In trying to find a relevant “life hack” to share in the newsletter this week, I instead kept coming back to a moment in my early adulthood that, for some reason, I couldn’t look past. Though this memory is not one that I’m proud of, l feel a tremendous sense that this story is pertinent; that it must be told now.
So here it goes…
In my early twenties, a time I don’t look back on fondly, I knew nothing about hacking life; I knew more about shirking responsibility. I grew, despite being deprived of that which is needed to do so, and in this stunted growth a chip on my shoulder also emerged.
Being financially deficient in a city known for its excess, that chip on the shoulder evolved into a full-blown complex. What began as a headstrong bias against the rich, and a distaste for the system that makes them richer, soon led me into a cycle of poverty, depression, and self-sabotage.
The bare minimum was my modus operandi. I became a dedicated, professional slacker; a designer-label layabout. I wore these epithets proudly, until they began to wear like weighted security blankets, covering me and pulling me down into comfortable darkness.
In the ocean of life, I was clearly floundering, but I was also prideful and therefore in deep denial of this fact. I lived as though I was constantly running from my own hand, which clutched a knife that it swung menacingly and furiously at my own back.
I didn’t know the damage I was doing, living my life in that way. I never realized that there were real people in my wake, or that I was destroying my own mental and physical health. At the time it was all just “collateral damage,” as if all of life is meant to be an unmitigated disaster that no one has control over.
My own stubbornness and refusal to reach out for help, the insistence on self-diagnosing and self-medicating my own issues, and to take it all onto my own shoulders, eventually took its toll. The waste runoff from a series of mistakes began to metastasize, and became an inescapable wave, enveloping everything.
I became so hungry I started stealing food from my jobs, until I was fired for doing so. Whether it was expired food in the stockroom that was about to be thrown away, or food right off of the shelves, I always only took what I needed to get through the rest of my shift.
I even got arrested in my hometown, stealing from the local grocery store, just so I wouldn’t go to bed hungry that night. Just another cry for help printed in the police blotter of a small town newspaper.
So, when trying to come up with a life hack for living on a budget to write about this month, I couldn’t help but think about that time I was arrested with a roast beef sandwich in the inner pocket of my winter coat. And then I thought of all the other times I was arrested after that; each crime, and the charges involved, getting subsequently worse.
To a young twenty-something who can feel the impossible weight of the world, and who is lost among the trees, blind to the forest, and unknowing that the forest is of their own design, the “point” of a life hack would be lost on them. That knowledge can’t be absorbed and sustained until the vessel isn’t so full of itself.
I suppose the lesson that this moment is trying to teach me by repeatedly creeping back into my memories, is that as important as it is to learn self-sufficiency, it is equally as important to learn to ask for help.
Letting go of one’s pride and trusting in others can appear as the greatest threat to those whose emotional scar tissue has formed into armor. Disarmament leads to exposure, to utmost vulnerability, the state when many of us have been the most hurt.
But real protection comes from love and trust, in yourself and in others. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, or something to be judged by, but it’s extending an olive branch, it’s appealing to others with a gesture of good-faith, as love, trust, respect, and compassion are most effective when traveling on a two-way street.
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If you find yourself facing tough times—whether it’s hungry nights, financial stress, or emotional turmoil—I urge you to seek support. The Nederland Food Pantry is here to lend a hand, not just by providing food but also by fostering a community where we can lean on one another. Remember, asking for help is a brave step, and it can lead to unexpected connections and newfound strength. |